Future

I have always struggled with planning my future. Perhaps ironic given my love of all things futuristic, I am usually happiest when reading of someones vision of the world thousands of years from now..even when I think of an afterlife, my hope would be to be able to watch and see the future unfold.

My plans have usually been vague, and difficult to quantify. Such as travelling the world, owing a home, being in love, writing a book. On occasion I do have a burst of inspiration, such as when I decided to travel to England on a working holiday, when I decided to move to Canada to follow a girl, hiking in Nepal, and perhaps finally deciding to live in Australia, and restart my career. I think this reluctance is self perpetuating, the more I feel Im helpless towards answering the question of what it is I love, the less I feel inclined to spend time thinking about it, and being willing to take risks to find it.

Information technology is something I have always had skill at, the ability to problem solve, deal with complexity, and to be organised and rational. It reflects my personality to a certain extent, but it has never been something I have had a passion for. I am grateful for the decision 16 years ago to follow my friend Mark into a technology degree, it has provided me with a great life, I have travelled the world, met some amazing people, and never really known financial pressures, or limitations. However I have always felt sadness that I never managed to find something that I loved, a singular purpose I could pour myself into, perhaps show the world something of my full potential.

Then I started running, and found there were things in my life I could be passionate about without neceessarily finding the dream job. IT could be a means to have a good life, the catch being the need to find something more to live for. Then...my hip injury destroyed much of my life for 2 years, and narrowed my focus - my only thoughts getting to the end of the day, and recovery, and the dream of being healthy and strong again. i found out that its extremely hard to plan, or let yourself dream of anything in the future, when you can see nothing but pain and discomfort.

But now...either the operation was a success, or I have finally found a physio who knows what to do with my injury - or perhaps both - but in any case I have improved over the last few weeks, my back is not nearly is painful, and I can feel my legs getting stronger. So..my future is slowly becoming something not necessarily painful again, but something hopeful and happy. So what to do? That is my question now, I am capable of acheiving much - I know - and have only really been limited by own perception of myself - which has been understandibly low for many months now.

Its kind of thrilling to realise what might be now, my desires for family, home, travel and to find love dont seem that ridiculous, or only the rightful expectation of other "normal" people, but something that maybe that I can find.

So what to do?

1) I have always loved the idea of driving around Australia on a road trip, so gaining more confidence in driving is a first, and it will make things easier in so many ways to own a car, so thats perhaps a first.

2) I would like to look into owning property, at least renting property out. It would be good to have a proper investment, I have a reasonable amount of savings now - and the idea of having a home, something that would be mine, is what I want. Also, being able to have pets..and furniture would be great.

3) I want to travel again, properly travel. Apart from a brief trip to Japan, its only been in New Zealand and Australia since I moved here. I would love to go to Africa, or South America - the only thing is, not by myself, oly with friends or a partner - I dont have the desire or strength anymore. After the last year or two I have had, I need to be near friends now, I cant handle that sort of solitude again. But with people I know, i think I would get so much more out of now, really make an effort to be involved, rather than just witnessing.

4) Looking at owning and running my own business. I have two people who would already consider this, my father and Mark. Even this week, I am meeting Mark to discuss what he might have to offer with a startup business he is involved in - maybe starting part time. It could be interesting, though I would want control to make up for the lack of stability. The idea of working with my father is starting to gain traction too, he knowledge is vast, and it would be good to have more to do with my family, the only problem being I have no intention of moving back to New Zealand, but over Christmas it will interesting to perhaps talk options.

5) Sport, at the least I want to start running again, moving to long distance again once my leg stabilises and my posture is improved. Its possible then I may wish to move to something like triathlons, but in 2012 running will be the priority. Then, from there, I would love to be able to start playing team sport again - its such a good way to meet people and to feel great about life. Soccer might be out, perhaps too risky, but there are other options, other avenues.

6) Taking the lead. For too long I have relied on others to control my happiness, I want to take the initiative with my job, friends and family and start exerting who I am. I am perfectly capable of being highly confident, but it takes results, I cant bullshit myself. so, first point of order - finding small ways to increase this, small ways that will help me look at myself in a different way than the last couple of years.

All the Small Things

Organise fun night with friends

Fighting On

After 6 months of stretching, uncertainty, solitude and struggle, I am doing two fairly important things to me - first, I am going to Melbourne with my friend Sasha for a random two day trip, and secondly Im working towards getting arthroscopic surgery on my left hip. This is a milestone for me, I am determined that from here things will improve.

The Melbourne trip is pretty important because it has become very easy for me to feel the injury has got the best of me, and to retreat from the world - basically fight my way through the week, rest and meet friends in the weekend, and not much else. I havent had any motivation to travel, move on to a more healthy working environment, or try and improve things socially - and I know how important for me to do this, depression does not help my recovery, and it sounds kind of dramatic, but as to paraphrase Clint Eastwood, if you aint busy living, then get busy dying'

Things arent great, I cant sugarcoat it - but Im definately better in my head than the start of the year, I have my bad weeks (like this week), but overall I feel I can manage it - and one thing I have never done is accept it as a disability - and Im proud of myself for that. I will keep trying whatever I can, and it may take years but I will be myself again.

One thing I need to do though, is move on, and I guess the Melbourne trip is the first step towards that. Sasha is a good friend, and maybe it will be great, maybe just intersting, I dont know - but the fact I am doing it says something. The next step is joining the world in other ways, especially socially. Its been a long time since I have met people outside my immediate group, and I want to. For me, sport is the key for meeting people, but obviously Im limited, but its not impossible. A big part of my recovery is relaxing, not thinking about it too much, letting go etc etc - impossible unfortunately, but I can improve.

Onward and upward