Future

I have always struggled with planning my future. Perhaps ironic given my love of all things futuristic, I am usually happiest when reading of someones vision of the world thousands of years from now..even when I think of an afterlife, my hope would be to be able to watch and see the future unfold.

My plans have usually been vague, and difficult to quantify. Such as travelling the world, owing a home, being in love, writing a book. On occasion I do have a burst of inspiration, such as when I decided to travel to England on a working holiday, when I decided to move to Canada to follow a girl, hiking in Nepal, and perhaps finally deciding to live in Australia, and restart my career. I think this reluctance is self perpetuating, the more I feel Im helpless towards answering the question of what it is I love, the less I feel inclined to spend time thinking about it, and being willing to take risks to find it.

Information technology is something I have always had skill at, the ability to problem solve, deal with complexity, and to be organised and rational. It reflects my personality to a certain extent, but it has never been something I have had a passion for. I am grateful for the decision 16 years ago to follow my friend Mark into a technology degree, it has provided me with a great life, I have travelled the world, met some amazing people, and never really known financial pressures, or limitations. However I have always felt sadness that I never managed to find something that I loved, a singular purpose I could pour myself into, perhaps show the world something of my full potential.

Then I started running, and found there were things in my life I could be passionate about without neceessarily finding the dream job. IT could be a means to have a good life, the catch being the need to find something more to live for. Then...my hip injury destroyed much of my life for 2 years, and narrowed my focus - my only thoughts getting to the end of the day, and recovery, and the dream of being healthy and strong again. i found out that its extremely hard to plan, or let yourself dream of anything in the future, when you can see nothing but pain and discomfort.

But now...either the operation was a success, or I have finally found a physio who knows what to do with my injury - or perhaps both - but in any case I have improved over the last few weeks, my back is not nearly is painful, and I can feel my legs getting stronger. So..my future is slowly becoming something not necessarily painful again, but something hopeful and happy. So what to do? That is my question now, I am capable of acheiving much - I know - and have only really been limited by own perception of myself - which has been understandibly low for many months now.

Its kind of thrilling to realise what might be now, my desires for family, home, travel and to find love dont seem that ridiculous, or only the rightful expectation of other "normal" people, but something that maybe that I can find.

So what to do?

1) I have always loved the idea of driving around Australia on a road trip, so gaining more confidence in driving is a first, and it will make things easier in so many ways to own a car, so thats perhaps a first.

2) I would like to look into owning property, at least renting property out. It would be good to have a proper investment, I have a reasonable amount of savings now - and the idea of having a home, something that would be mine, is what I want. Also, being able to have pets..and furniture would be great.

3) I want to travel again, properly travel. Apart from a brief trip to Japan, its only been in New Zealand and Australia since I moved here. I would love to go to Africa, or South America - the only thing is, not by myself, oly with friends or a partner - I dont have the desire or strength anymore. After the last year or two I have had, I need to be near friends now, I cant handle that sort of solitude again. But with people I know, i think I would get so much more out of now, really make an effort to be involved, rather than just witnessing.

4) Looking at owning and running my own business. I have two people who would already consider this, my father and Mark. Even this week, I am meeting Mark to discuss what he might have to offer with a startup business he is involved in - maybe starting part time. It could be interesting, though I would want control to make up for the lack of stability. The idea of working with my father is starting to gain traction too, he knowledge is vast, and it would be good to have more to do with my family, the only problem being I have no intention of moving back to New Zealand, but over Christmas it will interesting to perhaps talk options.

5) Sport, at the least I want to start running again, moving to long distance again once my leg stabilises and my posture is improved. Its possible then I may wish to move to something like triathlons, but in 2012 running will be the priority. Then, from there, I would love to be able to start playing team sport again - its such a good way to meet people and to feel great about life. Soccer might be out, perhaps too risky, but there are other options, other avenues.

6) Taking the lead. For too long I have relied on others to control my happiness, I want to take the initiative with my job, friends and family and start exerting who I am. I am perfectly capable of being highly confident, but it takes results, I cant bullshit myself. so, first point of order - finding small ways to increase this, small ways that will help me look at myself in a different way than the last couple of years.

All the Small Things

Organise fun night with friends

Fighting On

After 6 months of stretching, uncertainty, solitude and struggle, I am doing two fairly important things to me - first, I am going to Melbourne with my friend Sasha for a random two day trip, and secondly Im working towards getting arthroscopic surgery on my left hip. This is a milestone for me, I am determined that from here things will improve.

The Melbourne trip is pretty important because it has become very easy for me to feel the injury has got the best of me, and to retreat from the world - basically fight my way through the week, rest and meet friends in the weekend, and not much else. I havent had any motivation to travel, move on to a more healthy working environment, or try and improve things socially - and I know how important for me to do this, depression does not help my recovery, and it sounds kind of dramatic, but as to paraphrase Clint Eastwood, if you aint busy living, then get busy dying'

Things arent great, I cant sugarcoat it - but Im definately better in my head than the start of the year, I have my bad weeks (like this week), but overall I feel I can manage it - and one thing I have never done is accept it as a disability - and Im proud of myself for that. I will keep trying whatever I can, and it may take years but I will be myself again.

One thing I need to do though, is move on, and I guess the Melbourne trip is the first step towards that. Sasha is a good friend, and maybe it will be great, maybe just intersting, I dont know - but the fact I am doing it says something. The next step is joining the world in other ways, especially socially. Its been a long time since I have met people outside my immediate group, and I want to. For me, sport is the key for meeting people, but obviously Im limited, but its not impossible. A big part of my recovery is relaxing, not thinking about it too much, letting go etc etc - impossible unfortunately, but I can improve.

Onward and upward

2010

When I started writing in this blog I stated that it would be about things I enjoyed in life, rather than to complain (all to easy) about things that didnt work out. But..2010 was such a hard year for me, and with today being new years eve I want to look back on it, even if just to draw a line beneath it.

First, and mostly, this was the year where I injured my pelvis, rendering me unable to run, play sport, hike or even socialise to a normal extent. While specialists tell me this had been coming for a while, the injury happened in Feburary, where (being under a lot of stress at having to move apartments) I felt a rending tear in my left groin while playing playing indoor soccer, painful enough to stop me from sleeping that night. I didnt think much of it at first, my thoughts were of 'groin strain' or 'pulled hamstring'.

This was the start of my nightmare, as physios, specialists and massage therapists all gave me conflicting reasons and treatments for the pain. The pain then developed into an abdominal pain when trying to run, and then most recently (and most frighteningly) lower back pain and discomfort when sitting and standing.

It was diagnosed as 'Osteitis Pubis', which turned out to mean nothing more than 'inflamed pubic bone'. This coupled with a pelvic instability, and tense back muscles all combined to make what seems to be an incredibly difficult condition to treat. I have been doing core strengthening exercises for months now, to no great effect, though the intention is to have my core hold my pelvis stable. My back pain has eased, but not gone - in part to rest, in part to back releasing exercises. The groin and abdominal pain I know are there, waiting for me, should I try and run again.

Working with all these experts has been tough, they dont seem to be able to treat me in a way that makes sense to me, there is no plan, no dates, no goals - just endless "try this"
and "maybe try that instead". I feel like they dont know know exactly what is wrong with me, and I should be content with that. I have been too passive with them, my natural deference to those in experts fields not doing me well. I am having to diagnose myself to a large extent, and make decisions on whether these experts are doing the right thing for me.

Not being able to sit for long periods of time made it hard working in IT, and made me wonder more than once if I would have to quit my job. More than this it has just been so hard not to run, and have an active, social lifestyle. Running for example had pretty quickly become everything to me last year, undoubtedly one of the best years of my life. This year, I would say has been one of the hardest, if not the worst.

So what does 2011 promise? I know I need to stay positive, but it becomes so hard as time slips by with no real progress. I would give everything I have to be better again, all my money, all my possessions, my job... The one thing that has been great though has been my friends, who have given what support they could, and kept me from going too crazy as empty weekends drift by.

2010 also made me realise that my job is definitaly one of convenience, the people are very nice, the workload light, and my manager leaves me alone for the most part. However I dont really acheive much, or learn, and in different circumstances (being healthy) I would move on to something a little more self-respect worthy. While Im hurt though, I need its stability and flexibility, as well as lack of stress.

Goals for 2011? with the obvious major goal of getting healthy aside, its the normal resolutions, try to be more social, try to learn new things, and get excited about life. I used to be someone who could change everything in my life in a heartbeat if it appealed, I would like to remember how to do that. DB

The Court of the Crimson King

Stephen King has been a part of my life as long as I can remember. No matter where I have lived, or how my life (or myself) has changed, his books have always been a part of me. My first King memory was picking up a copy of 'Skeleton Crew' at the local library, and finding myself completely terrified (and fascinated) by the stories within. A terrible beast lurking beneath a wooden raft, a supermarket beseiged by a deadly mist...addictive for a 10 year old kid with a large imagination

Though he is known for his horror writing, I find many of his books are more difficult to define. They can include elements of fantasy, drama, thriller, action, science fiction, crime and lately (as he moves into his later years) there are even works of non-fiction, and those almost autobiographical in nature.

King, along with the my other favourite 'ideas' writer, Philip K Dick, share the ability to create books based upon 'what if?' scenarios. What if a writers pseudonym came to life? What if a town was completely cut off from the rest of the world? However, while Dick focuses more on the wider implications of the idea itself (by using characters as a mechanism to illustrate his point) for Stephen King his characters are the story.

King (I find) is unique in how realistic, and relatable, his characters are, and in how unpredictably they may react when presented with unimaginable situations. His heroes (and villians) are not stylized supermen but middle aged mothers, awkward teenagers, overweight storekeepers, elderly retirees and (as his personal favourite, telling of his own dark past perhaps) alcoholic writers. I remember a drug addict wandering a plague decimated world, a struggling actor confronting a demon risen from his childhood, a traumatised stockbroker losing his mind in an empty airplane, and a megalomaniac car salesman trapped within a small town descending into chaos...

Of all these everyman heroes, there is one exception, perhaps the closest King has come to writing about himself - the mysterious gunslinger, eyes fixed upon his distant Dark Tower.

King has the ability to put the reader in the characters place - what would you do, if everything fundamental you thought you understood, the foundations that held your life together was ripped away? If the universe a lot larger, stranger, and more dangerous than you ever imagined? How would you react? Do you have hidden depths of strength, or would you fall apart when presented with your deepest fears? The world we inhabit is an orderly, predictable place, and most of us will never know what heights or depths we are capable of - for better or worse.

There and Back Again

Simply put, Lord of the Rings is one of the most beautiful, moving and immersive books I have ever had the pleasure of losing myself within. No matter the countless times I have sat fascinated with Frodos adventures, I still find something quite moving about that final sentence, a moment when the reader and character briefly become joined...its Sam, young daughter in his lap, family by his side, bringing to a close his (and your own) incredible journey

He drew a deep breath. 'Well, Im back.' He said.

The complexity, and depth of Middle Earth is what strikes the reader first, in its mind boggling array of lands, creatures, characters, history and even languages. A common criticism of Tolkein is that at times his books can read like historical texts, rather than stories with real characters that people can empathise with. However I find one of the pleasures of re-reading the book is how much undiscovered depth can be found, giving a character an aspect not realised, or providing a landscape with vivid detail not remembered.

Lord of the Rings is not a melodramatic book, the characters are brave, practical, perhaps even fatalistic. Examples such as Sam and Frodos pragmatism in the face of unimaginable horrors, and Legolas and Gimli's calmness in the face of battle, is one of my favourite aspects of the book. There is a reserve about the characters, but also humour and warmth (often overlooked).

Characters do not muse overly on the nature of their fate, or the horrors they face, or even how they may feel about one another. However these are not one-dimensional characters, the unspoken relationship between Aragorn and Eowyn being an example. The subtlety in which Tolkein manages to describe the hidden depth of his characters is something I find quite wonderful, and have rarely seen.

To me its a very complex book about very simple things, having the courage and strength to do the right thing when required, and the faith in yourself to know when it is the right thing. It is also about loss, hope, sacrifice, honor, evil and just about anything else you can name, but to me its Sams stubbornness, his simple bravery to complete a task he barely understood, which I remember the most. DB

More Human Than Human

Philip K Dick was an author who I first discovered when I was 16 years old. I cant say I felt the same way then as I do now about his stories, at that age I didn't understand most of what he wrote! Much of the time travel paradoxes of 'Martian Time Slip', and the drug induced insanity of 'A Scanner Darkly' were lost on me. I struggled to keep up with the non-linear narratives, which would place the reader directly into new worlds, in mind bending situations, with no introduction or explanation. Worlds where farmers built canals on Mars, or robots built themselves, or where reading someones mind was commonplace. Every world was presented as if it was a reality, both as exciting and mundane as our own.

Though I was young I do still remember though the sense of dread, fear, and alienness his stories would bring to me. Now that Im older with the experience of 20 years of reading Science Fiction, his post apocalyptic worlds of telepaths, mutants, and psychotic robots make a lot more sense to me, and yet I still feel that sense of 'otherness' in his writing, he is still like no other author I have read. It is well known that Dick was never overly interested in character building, or world building, his strength was in his ideas. The science is his stories was rarely explained, there was no lengthy technological explanations for how a time machine was constructed, or how that spaceship could fly to the stars - in his stories they just were, but you never felt cheated, or lost any sense of believability. This makes him unique, I think, among science fiction writers because he used science fiction as a vehicle for his ideas, as it is such a malleable medium for this, rather than something to enjoy in itself.

His books to me seem to be divided clearly into two types. His initial writings, which were much more tradionally structured - stories of planetary exploration, nuclear paranoia, and oppressive governments. Then later when his stories became a lot less categorisable, stories of telepaths, time travel, drug addiction and parallel realities. I love them both, a great example of his early writing being 'Foster, You're Dead' a short story telling of a future where a cynical government forces people to buy there own nuclear shelters in face of impending war. As for his later books, 'Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?' is probably my favourite, a dystopian nightmare of replicants and the nature of humanity.

I have read other Sci Fi that can be grander in scale, characterisation, and scope, such as other favourites of mine - Iain Banks, or Alistair Reynolds - but none as thoughtful, imaginative, or as shocking, as Philip K Dick. DB

Bang Bang Shoot Shoot

So, this is me. Writing in a blog. My head full of coffee and a million ideas, and here I am looking at a new place to hold my thoughts on life, the universe and everything. I initially had the idea of introducing myself, and then delving into my various hurts and happinesses, my dreams for the future...but honestly? I really couldnt care about describing those things, I dont know how to articulate any of it, and Im not interested in whatever self indulgent result would come out of it. So, instead of trying to provide some insight to who I am, or present some poorly articulated window to my soul, Im just going to write about things I love, things that keep me going, and maybe in the end that would describe me better than clumsy introspection could. Anyway, next...the man I consider to be the greatest Sci-Fi author who ever lived. DB